About Olives


If you’re like me, you are wondering why it has taken you so long to get into olives.

If you’re exactly like me, you are 34 years old, a man who foolishly thinks he’s a few jogs away from getting back into shape, trying to figure out if depression is real or if that’s just a phase you go through after earning a soul- and income-sucking degree, thinking about what your next move is, sitting down in a cafe somewhere eating olives and thinking to yourself, ‘Man, why has it taken me so long to get into olives?’

And now you’re Googling “olive diet.” Wow. There really is a diet for everything. I’m not going to try this, but how interesting?

In the ‘People Also Search’ section of the Google results, the following questions arise:

Are olives good for weight loss?

Are olive good for you?

Are olives part of the Paleo diet?

Are olives fattening for you?

What do you eat on the Paleo diet?

Is rice in the Paleo diet?

What kind of sad lives are we leading where we can’t enjoy a morsel without first checking to see if it it has too many grams of fat or if it falls under the category of the Paleo diet? Not to mention, who doesn’t know the plural of olive is olives?

I’m the one who Googled this in the first place because I too have been programmed to fret about fat — though not as much as I should; I’m just kind of a rebel that way. But really, the whole Paleo thing is stupid right? I mean it sounds cool. It sounds manly. Have I been tempted by the idea of eating nothing but pterodactyl breasts and Flintstone’s sized steaks? Of course I have. I’m a food idiot just like anybody else.

But if you are not planning on running around naked trying to spear sabertooth tigers or track wooly mammothies (if this isn’t the plural, it should be), squatting, sniffing and grunting, how wise is it to devote the hours of your days — or wait, do you live in hours on the paleo diet, since cavemen didn’t understand the concept? — to dieting for a lifestyle that in no way matches that diet? And no CrossFit bros, using gym equipment incorrectly doesn’t count.

I guess I’m interested in the best diet that’s going to keep me alive long enough to get cancer at a ripe age, a diet that’s going to give me energy to rough my kids up while they’re still smaller than me, a diet that’s going to fit my life of sitting around and waiting for a dream job or a meteor to smack the earth.

Right now, I believe that this friendly little country olive mix with the purples and greens and those olives that have the bleu cheese in them is a major part of that diet. But I still have some Google results to go over.

If you are ready to start classing up your life and getting into olives, a good place to start is here. Also for you olive veterans, you should contribute your olive dos and don’ts in the comment section below.

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